i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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