there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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