just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
