dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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