You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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