I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
and she was petting her beer can
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
