you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sorry about my life...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
