GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
