I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
