my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
