I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
