Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
