sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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