Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I have aggressive nipples.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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