Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
