a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
