seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
