i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
