you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
