u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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