I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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