If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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