I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
