ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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