Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
