just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
