What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
