I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
