I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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