maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
