whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
