every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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