she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
