How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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