If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
