his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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