Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
