Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
