Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
