If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
