He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
