at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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