i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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