dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
