It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
