look no pants
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
