her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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