new low.... made out with someone while peeing
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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