im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
