well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
