finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
